Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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