the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
