Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
