I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
