Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
