i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
