Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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