When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
