I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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