Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
