So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
