I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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