Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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