There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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