life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
