To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
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