remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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