I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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