His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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