OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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