i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
