I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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