jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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