She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
