No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
