it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
