she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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