you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
