she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
