Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
