If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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