She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
