I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
