Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
