I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize