well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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