I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize