I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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