my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
