I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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