I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
