Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
