dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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