someone threw a dead crab at me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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