If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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