I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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