Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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