Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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