Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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