The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
