When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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