We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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