I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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