Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize