so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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