I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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