he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
