I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
