I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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