Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
