woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
