I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
