my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
