I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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