12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
