Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
